How shitty is it when you want something and yet you know that you deserve something else? Worse, that what you deserve is far more or better than what you want? But you still want what you want.
Wanting less does not make you less. It just makes you a bit more honest. A bit sadder as well.
I am sad.
At the end of the day I chose to do the right thing. I know it was right. I did it to preserve myself, and to protect others. Maybe that was a bit too Messianic for me because no one asked for protection. But I am not blind or stupid, and I cannot bear to think that I may cause pain in others even in the most minute possible way.
So here I am, still good, still faithful to the promise of great and greater things. But a part of me aches to answer the what ifs. On the other hand, I know that life is what it is, no ifs or buts.
Life on the whole is fair, I still believe that. But sometimes the little situations that make up that whole are not. Like the one I am in.
It sucks.
I need tequila.
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